Gaslighting in the Church

 I was excited about an open door.... 

It all happened unexpectedly at the church I have been attending. The pastor was excited. Maybe this is an open door. Honestly, I was expecting not much of a response from him. So I contacted the leader involved in a particular aspect of the church. He knew I wrote the pastor. 

No need to get into the details of the conversation, but multiple times I was gaslighted about not being able to make it to some events due to health issues. I was to blame for the lack of connection I felt. (Actually, I had multiple people share with me a frustration of very little relationship building and they had been to most of the events.) Excitement quickly left my spirit. He then complimented me on living up to the challenge of living with chronic illness. The compliment fell flat. One, I felt excluded. Two, I called trying to find a way to bridge the gap I felt. Complaining was not my goal. It was to forge a solution and I had a list of ideas. 

What is Gaslighting? 

In short, gaslighting causes people to question their own reality. 

The term originated from a 1944 movie called Gaslight where a husband uses deceit and manipulation to cause his wife to question her own mental health. The term became mainstream again in the last 10 years. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting)

I am going to keep this entry short. The goal of this post is to note that it does happen in the church by those in power. 

In my personal experience, it has mainly been used to question and doubt myself in terms of my health. Even this week, I ran into a stranger who was dealing with this same challenge due to health.

Stating the over-obvious

Gaslighting is not biblical. Yes, we need to hold each other accountable. Yes, we are to challenge each other, but also encourage. We are to interact with each other in love. 

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40

 First of all, I don't want to spend much time talking about all the ways in manifests the in the church. 

Secondly, anyone who gaslights usually struggles with insecurity. Don't forget that. 

Thirdly, it is ok to walk away from the leader who causes you to doubt yourself.

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Matthew 10:14

Read through the gospels for yourself. Jesus does leave situations where leaders do not have his well being at heart. Also note who welcomed Jesus in the most. It isn't necessarily the people we would expect. Realize that same dynamic is at play today as well.

Invest into those who appreciate and treasure you

Why is it so hard to follow this piece of advice???? Human nature does tend to obsess on the negative. It is up to us to guard our thoughts to focus on the positives that surround us.

I have struggled with it myself, so I am not judging here at all. I do know this is the best way to find exactly where God wants you.

We are His kids! He wants to show us. Where there is momentum and hope, that is where he wants us.

Where we are deflated, we can safely say that is where the enemy wants us!

I know people aren't perfect. I know I am not lol! But there are definitely people who add to my life as a rule and there are people who generally detract from my life. It doesn't matter whether they are Christian or not. But if a non-Christian cares about my well-being, I have also noticed in the past there is usually an open door to minister to them. I pray and I wait for the open door in conversation. When the conversation flows, God is there.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

There are Christians who cheer me on. That is also God's Spirit saying this is a friend, someone you can count on.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17

Conclusion

God loves and treasures you. Where you see His love flow, God is there with you as well. Sometimes, even the best relationships are hard, but it is easy to sense where someone else is trying as much as you are. Where we do not see that love, God is not in that relationship. This verse I will end with is a bit hard core, but I am ok with that. If someone does not act welcoming or kind, take that seriously and move on to someone who welcomes you into their life. God created us to change the world, not to be walked on by the enemy! 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8 

Actually, read all of 1 John 4. Definitely worth the read to hear God's heart on how we are to treat one another and how we know God is in a relationship or not. 

Stay strong in Him!